Progress

Would you call it progress if a cannibal used a knife and a fork? Sure, any compromise in behavior is definitely progress.
I have made a lot of progress over the past month. I know what I want and am working on my "game plan". It is a game, is one of many things I have discovered. We are all just players in the big game of life and the out come is mostly in our hands. Outside influences can only effect you if you allow them, but there are things out of our control also. I have learned also that the past is called the past for a reason, it is already behind you and regardless if it just happened yesterday, it is still in the past and cannot be changed.
I had court on the child neglect and possession charges yesterday and was offered PTI; pretrial intervention. Upon completion, it will be as if I never was arrested. The DUI and leaving the scene of the accident; times 2 hearing was last week and I have lots of fines to pay and have lost my license for 6 months. I can live with that. So, all that is in the past and I am looking forward to moving on in a positive direction.
I am still clean, no alcohol or green. Both have been offered and I had the strength to refuse. I can actually take a drug test; which is something I have not been able to say for years!
I start a new job doing office work at a RV dealership on Thursday. It is less than 10 minutes from my mother's home, so after the fines are paid and I am able to save towards my getting my own place again I know it will be close to Momma and the area I grew up in.
I am still on the Prozac, but may be ready to wean off of it soon. I will decide later.
Thank you again for all your prayers, I feel them constantly and really appreciate them.
Peace, Love and Happiness to you all.

I am Back

I am back from the Crisis stabilization Unit and I do feel somewhat better. I still want to smoke the green, but I do not want a drink. The counselors told me the urge will be there for about 6 months...so by Christmas I ought to be over the toughest part of my recovery and even then I may have cravings for it when confronted with it. Seems such a long time, but I know the end result will be a better life, not to mention a better job and the money I used to spend on that may just materialize into a new Harley; that is my goal.
Thank you to all my friends, especially Badpatty & Loner, for all the prayers.

WTF?

I went to the hospital. They kept me overnight; still sleep escaped me as I was in a strange place and everything on my mind. I did get 3 1/2 hours; which is more then I have got in a row in months unless I was pass out drunk. Since I am still sober and want to stay that way, that is not an option. They had to give me two Ambien for me to get that much sleep and I am only 112 pounds. Should have put me out for at least 8 hours.
Anyways last night they told me that they had a bed at MUSC that would available today. When I woke today, the bed was no longer available, huh? So they found a bed at a place call Crisis Center. They failed to tell me it was a shelter; which I don't need. (I have family, a church and friends if I really need a place to go) About 5 pm these two ladies show up to pick me up. Mind you I am in a long nightgown and slippers. As we are walking out to the car they are transporting me in, they start asking questions about any previous Department of Mental Health care that I may have received. since I have never used them I told them there was none. They said that that was awful hard to believe since they had record of someone with my same birthdate and SSN received service in 93. I had services for my son and since I took him and was the adult, I had to give my information. Then they start asking me where I got the valium that was found in my system and about the pot I smoked the day I was admitted. I answered there questions and stated that I had only been off pot for about 14 days and knew it would show. They basically called me a liar. Then they told me that this place was for current issues, not 30 years worth of baggage. I told them to take me back to the hospital. At this point they began talking between themselves as if I were absent or deaf. They were discussing there day and then said, "And now we have this white girl giving us a hard time." I am proud to be a Cherokee and I am far from being a girl anymore. They pulled up at the hospital and the driver told the passenger, "Let her out." They dropped me off, dressed as I was outside the emergency room door.
I don't like to complain. The room at the hospital was filthy, blood on walls and floors. The tag on the bed said it was cleaned on 4/29/06. Then the way I was treated by the so called help I was receiving, I may just have to complain and my Momma is ready to see heads roll. (In this process they told me they couldn't recommend another hospital, like MUSC; huh?)
When I went back in the hospital and told them all this with my Momma, they had me sign a hand-written promisary note that said I wouldn't kill myself or anyone else before I sought treatment tomorrow without calling 911 and coming back to them. Like I was planning on hurting myself or someone else, I only wanted help with this depression. Like I would want to go back to them anyways. I will go get help somewhere else tomorrow, but I feel like the place I went was only interested in covering their own asses from a lawsuit.
Not only do I hate myself, I really am beginning to hate SC and regret coming back from Tampa.

See you when I get back

I am on my way to the hospital to check myself in to get some mental help. Please pray for me. I don't want to hate myself anymore. All my friends, I love you and will let you know when I am back.

A Hard Look at My Life as it Stands Now.

I am a screw-up.
I do not make good choices.
I miss Wonderful Man.
I have to take some responsibility for how the relationship ended, because I know I can be one mean bitch when I get angry and drink. It has been 11 days since I have had a drink and I want one (or a million) so badly. On April 25th I was charged with leaving the scene of two accidents (I hit two parked cars leaving the bar after meeting with Wonderful Man) and a DUI. My other charges that I wouldn't talk about before are as follows: Child neglect by a custodian( Nate the Great was with me during fight and drinking; asleep, but still with me), possession of weed and paraphanalia (I did not know it was there, and truthfully it was a piece no longer than 5 cm, the paraphanalia was not mine, but in the house that belonged to me). I cannot really say I think I am an alcoholic, as my body is not addicted to it...I am a depressed person with no self worth and have been for years (Lots of baggage: molested as a child, horrible husband who remarried without divorcing me, step-mother who killed herself, just to name a few). Anyone who knows me probably thinks I am happy and secure; it's an act that I have gotten real good at. I hate myself.
I am basically homeless.
Now, I am not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me; I deserve everything I have gotten myself into. I may be going to jail, as I don't think I will be able to pay my fines. The lawyer representing me on the first charges wants 6500.00 more to handle the second set of charges; the first set I paid 5000.00. If I go to jail, I don't think it will be to good for my depression. I would never hurt myself intentionally; but I could careless what happens to me. All my family and what few friends I have not pushed away care more than I a capable of doing for myself. I HATE MERI!